My liver just broke up with me...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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