True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
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It's official drugs can't kill me
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
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The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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