I will die if light touches me.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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