So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
