I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
