why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
