I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
