i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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