my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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