Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
