Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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