Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm experimenting with sincerity
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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