I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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