I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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