Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
