my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
