update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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