Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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