Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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