She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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