I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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