ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
