he thought i was a dude.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
