I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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