I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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