it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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