you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
