her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You peed on a flamingo?!?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
