I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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