I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
