I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Every concussion has its silver lining
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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