I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
