Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
