Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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