He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
