I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
