what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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