Sorry, I don't speak sober.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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