Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I can't put those talents on a resume
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
