i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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