You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
4 words: hood of his car
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
