my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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