I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
