I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
