Banned from zoo.
Again?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
