im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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