I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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