the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Naked. naked and bneed help.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
