This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
