I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
