So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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