only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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