he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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