That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
