Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
