this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
