he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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